


Ravager's First Trash Ship

by jellybeanforest



Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies)
Genre: Ambiguous Kragdu, Bromance, Comedy, Gen, Humor, International Fanworks Day 2018, Movie Night, Slice of Life, Star Wars - Freeform, ravagers as family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-15
Updated: 2018-02-15
Packaged: 2019-03-19 01:50:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13694361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jellybeanforest/pseuds/jellybeanforest
Summary: Peter stumbles across a recording of the original Star Wars movie, and decides to share it with the Ravagers. Yondu and Kraglin ruthlessly criticize the film but become enamored with the romance between the movie’s core couple. Peter immediately regrets introducing a beloved childhood classic to them.This is why Peter can’t have nice things.For International Fanworks Day 2018: What does your favorite character – or your favorite pairing – get fannish over?





	Ravager's First Trash Ship

**Author's Note:**

> This can be read as romantic or platonic Kragdu.

Peter clutches the holo-vid to his chest. He found it, his holy grail, the first movie in his favorite film series of all time: Star Wars. He hasn’t seen it in years, not since the Ravagers snatched him up and away from all things Terran. He has to share this piece of quality cinematic history with them.

Peter practically bounces up to the captain. “Hey Yondu, I got something for our next movie night.”

It’s a tradition started when Yondu first ~~abducted~~ picked up the boy. Captain, first mate, and Terran mascot would settle down one day a week to watch a movie of their choice projected against the wall of Captain’s private quarters, a mimicry of Peter’s movie nights with his family back on Earth. Yondu claimed it was to get Quill settled and used to Ravager life and vernacular, but Kraglin suspected he was secretly trying to soothe the boy’s homesickness. Yondu probably even enjoyed these bonding exercises. But hey, there was always two uninterrupted hours with Captain and a tin of beasties in it for him, so Kraglin supposes it balanced out the additional time in Quill’s presence.

Peter continues his sales pitch. “It’s got it all: action, adventure, a princess in peril, galaxy-wide stakes…”

Yondu cuts him off, “Already picked out the next movie. We’re watchin’ Gore Fest 3000.”

“I already watched Gore Fest 3000 with you guys last month!”

“It’s worth the re-watch. Now that’s a real movie. Puts hair on yer chest. This? This one sounds like a chick flick.” Yondu remains unconvinced of the merits of Peter’s choice.

“It’s not! And besides, it’s my turn to pick a movie, and I pick Star Wars.”

It’s about time those space pirates saw a true work of art. It would do them good to absorb some culture not of the microbial sort.

It goes wrong almost immediately.

“You say this’s the first movie? Is it missing the first half?” Kraglin ponders as Peter reads the slowly scrolling title screen aloud to translate the English text.

“No, this is how it starts,” Peter says, trying to indicate that they should just shut up and enjoy the movie. He manages to slog through hours of plot-less ramblings and gratuitous violence. The least they could do is return the favor and watch something with an actual storyline.

“Is the entire movie like this? I didn’t sign up to have some rollin’ words read to me.” Yondu has already lost interest, looking towards the door for escape from his own quarters. Perhaps it was a translator error, but Yondu is fairly certain Peter had said ‘movie’ not ‘book.’ If someone didn’t fuck or die in the next five minutes, he was abandoning this sorry excuse for a family activity.

“Would it kill you to just sit through the next two hours? Give it a chance. It’s really good, I swear!” Peter spits back.

Yondu and Kraglin sit through it, but they don’t shut up, talking through the entire movie, nitpicking everything from the shoddy props, crappy science, and nonsense vocabulary. From Kraglin's perspective, the movie was kind of cute, watching the fantastical imaginings of a species that had barely reached their own moon, much less a galaxy far far away. It’s like seeing a baby try to walk for the first time and fall flat on its face.

Peter is almost relieved to see the end credits.

“Maybe if all them white soldiers took off their helmets, they could aim a li’l better. There was like twenty of ‘em and they couldn’t right hit at least one of them unarmored heroes,” Yondu states, shaking his head at the stupidity of the Empire. What’s the use of a uniform that actively hinders efficiency and competent execution of their primary objectives? If those Stormtroopers had been Ravagers, Han Solo & Co wouldn’t have lasted five minutes.

“That’s not the point!” Peter is thoroughly annoyed. These assholes are being way too critical, ignoring the expansive mythos of the series and how much of a revolution the film had been in its day. Sure, having now explored the universe with real spacers in authentic ships, Star Wars seemed a little fake in comparison, but this extensive lambasting of a beloved childhood classic was a bit excessive.

“And talk ‘bout the lazy writin’! One blast from a tiny ship on a ventilation shaft blows up a weapon that big? Why was it wired like that? An’ why would such a weak point be so accessible?” Kraglin adds to the dog-pile. “Not even the Eclector is built that shoddy, an’ she’s held together with duct tape and quick-solder.”

“It’s not–“ Peter starts to say.

“We can all agree the movie was shit,” Yondu interrupts him, ignoring Peter’s squawking to the contrary, “but the central romance between the main couple was pretty good... Kind’a hot.” He shrugs.

“Yeah, that sexual chemistry? Undeniable,” Kraglin agrees.

 _At least they liked one aspect of the movie_ , Peter thinks. “Yeah, the relationship between Han Solo and Princess Leia is a classic.”

“What’re ya goin’ on about? Clearly, Princess Leia and Luke Skywalker were a thing,” Kraglin declares. That was a clear-cut fact. How could Peter be so blind?

Peter screws up his face in disgust. “No way! They’re twins! Siblings!”

“They swing that way on Terra?” Yondu ponders, hand stroking chin in a contemplative manner.

Kraglin rolls his eyes. “I guess anything goes on that backwater planet.”

“No– No… you got the wrong idea. Incest is gross on Terra, too,” Peter awkwardly tries to clarify. By their matching skeptical expressions, Yondu and Kraglin are dubious. From their understanding of Peter’s fanboy prattling, some of the most culturally-signficant artifacts Terra ever produced were three of these movies, a whole trilogy exploring the evolution of the torrid sexual relationship between brother and sister. If that didn’t scan as positive endorsement of incest, nothing did.

Exasperated, Peter returns to the original subject: “Anyways, if you weren’t talking about Princess Leia and Han Solo, then who…”

Yondu quirks an eyebrow. “The mercenary an’ his hairy partner. Obviously.”

“Han Solo and Chewy? They’re not together,” Peter says, perplexed.

“Hate to break it to ya, Pete, but those two? They was totally fuckin’. The big guy prob’ly had his Cap’n bent all over that Millennium Falcon in many diff’rent an’ interestin’ positions.” Kraglin leans back in his seat, grinning.

“No question ‘bout that,” Yondu concurs.

“No, they weren’t! They’re just friends,” Peter protests. How could they so horribly misread the relationship between those two? Were they even watching the same movie?

“Boy, yer tellin’ me that the man’s only long-term companion over a number of years, possibly decades, is his tall, dark, an’ furry first mate only he can understand… an’ that ain’t his space husband?” Yondu asks him, teeth glinting in the fading light of the holo-program, amused at Peter’s childish naivety.

“Really really good friends.” Peter sounds unsure. It can’t be true. Princess Leia and Han Solo are meant for each other: the beautiful plucky princess and the roguishly handsome smuggler. They are a love story for the ages. She wasn’t just a particularly well-bred beard for Han’s closeted homosexuality. Peter is on the verge of frustrated tears.

“There’s a reason Chewy was toleratin’ that asshole, an’ that reason is that he was doin’ that asshole on the regular,” Kraglin shakes his head sagely.

Yondu chuckles then firmly pats his first mate on the back in agreement.

Looking between the two, it dawns on him: the perfect counterargument.

“What about you guys? You’ve been captain and first mate forever, and you’re just friends,” Peter states triumphantly. It’s an iron-clad argument. If Yondu and Kraglin can be platonic friends after such an extensive and storied life together of space piracy interspersed with long periods of lonely sexually-frustrated deep space travel, then surely the fictional duo of Han Solo and Chewbacca could manage the same feat.

“Says who?” Yondu’s tone is bland and his stare humorless. Peter stares, shell-shocked at this most-recent revelation. That was… unexpected.

“Yeah, Pete, we’ve been together fer years,” Kraglin confirms, as if it was common knowledge, as if Pete was particularly dense to have not noticed the obvious signs before.

“You’re… you’re joking,” Peter stammers. They can’t be serious.

Yondu positively leers at Kraglin: “By the way, sweetheart, we’re almost out’a lube.”

“Way ahead o’ ya, darlin’. On the list o’ supplies fer next port,” Kraglin responds, hand fondly stroking Yondu’s own on the other man’s lap, dangerously close to his groin. Peter can’t peel his eyes away from that hand, inches from Yondu’s dick and Peter’s certain psychosomatic blindness, like staring unmoving at an approaching train screeching down the rails.

Yondu doesn’t even flinch from the rather intimate contact. “Thanks, sugar lumps. Yer a peach.”

Yondu never says certain words: “sorry,” “please,” and especially “thanks” being chief among them. Those social niceties are all missing from his lexicon, replaced by “fuck you,” “now,” and “about time.” Yondu has overplayed his hand. Peter is sure they are messing with him.

“You know what? You guys are dicks!” Peter snaps, retrieving his recording and stomping out.

Alone, the two laugh heartily until they shake and gasp through wheezy-rattles.

“Did ya see his face? Priceless,” Yondu manages between breathless guffaws.

“Yeah, Pete always makes the best ones,” Kraglin exclaims, imitating the boy’s alternating crestfallen and annoyed looks to Yondu’s amusement.

Their laughter dies down to occasional chuckles as they sit in companionate silence. Then–

“Ya know we are really runnin’ low on lube, right?”


End file.
